Today is week 7 of the school year 2018.

Caitlin was ok for the 1st week and then she has been crying consistently every morning when we drop her off at school. She started to refuse to go to ballet classes and refuse swimming, which we later really had to withdraw because she's so traumatised, she has been crying EVERYDAY whenever "swimming" was mentioned. I am very reluctant to take her off ballet because she has been rather happy in class until she begins Kindergarten. Maybe her anxiety was related to the starting of school, and a very new change in routine? I think we should hang on for awhile. Although she cries a lot when we drop her off, her teachers said she's alright once lesson begins and my mom said she looks happy when she fetch her from the school gate. I thought starting school late would prevent such crying episodes. I guess things do not go so easily for our headstrong girl.

Kieran has been enjoying weekly swimming. Progress seems to be slow but steady. I am hoping he will be able to swim very well soon. He has been scoring rather well for school spellings. Today he has a Math test. Not sure how he will do for that. Yesterday, I went through the revisions with him and he got all the questions correct. Last night he showed me a shaky front lower tooth. Yippee! Finally he is going to have adult teeth. Many of my group of "Rabbit babies" are experiencing the change and he's the last among them to have shaky baby teeth. My baby is growing up!

The children are sleeping on their own beds, and in their own room now. We got a low bunk bed for them from Palette Box. In the middle of the night, I will sometimes hear a soft "mummy" and will pull a tiny little girl up and settle her in my bed, between hubby and me. Kieran loves his bed and he has never woken up to look for us in the middle of the night. I hope, in a few months' time, we will get peace and quiet in the night.

First Day of School for Kieran and Caitlin

2 January 2018 was an exciting and nerve-wrecking first day of school for Kieran and Caitlin - exciting for the children and nerve-wrecking for me. The night before, I could not sleep and it was very cold. In the morning, I snoozed the alarm clock and guess what, the next moment I opened my eyes, the sky was bright and I remembered lying in bed and wondering... "is the sky supposed to be so blue and bright?" Then I eyes wandered to the wall clock which read 7.25am... they lingered on for awhile before the word "Late!" screamed and resonated in every cells of my body. Yeah, it sounded rather dramatic but yes, that was exactly how I felt. So I jumped up, woke hubby who looked equally shocked, grabbed my groggy little Kieran, brushed his teeth, gave him milk, and hubby and Kieran were out the door in 5 minutes. Then I went to prepare Caitlin and called hubby to help send her to school after he sent Kieran. Fortunately, Kieran's Primary school is just across the road from our home and Caitlin's school is a short walk away. Phew... With some positive vibes and quick actions, the day went on pretty well. We even managed to gather lots of nice pictures of them!

Here's one of them together before they go into the school gate on the second day of school (because first day of school morning was too rush for a picture of them together).

On the second day of school, we received invitation to download the Class messenger and a welcome letter from his Form Teacher and Co-Form Teacher with their email addresses. We are glad that there are now more modes of communication between home and school compared to when I was a Primary school student. I also joined the parent chat group in Whatsapp and we shared lots of feedback to keep each other updated. Our wish for Kieran who has now entered formal schooling, is that he will enjoy going to school, develop strong friendship with his friends and teachers, and continue to hone his keenness and joy for learning and exploring new ideas. He has come so far from that reserved little creature hiding within his shells. My wish for myself is to be more chill, learn to relax and not get over-stressed about the children's well-being, always leave work on time so that I can reach home early and guide the children in their homework and have heart to heart chats with them, and of course to wake up in time for EVERY school morning.

Kieran has a no-tear beginning in his Kindergarten, and he did not cry at all in Primary school. Caitlin has a relatively tearless beginning as well. I believe starting the children late for school helps a lot. They both begin school when they are five years old. At this age, they are ready for healthy separation from caregivers and they have formed strong attachment with us and their day time caregivers, my parents. They are ready to explore beyond that safe home environment, curious about their surroundings, and eager to forge friendships and bonds with teachers and classmates. Against all odds, we made the decision to start education late for our children. Pretty unusual for Singaporeans. Academic is not the most important in our minds although I know my children will most likely be ardent readers and academically strong as their characters seem very close to my hubby and mine. Kieran, especially, if I'm not wrong, because he seems to have an unusual thinking process, very good memory, and he reads rather proficiently at this age. I remembered I brought the children to my friend's house for a playdate. The children were at the void deck, playing with a Roller Racer (ride on toy car) but he's more interested in the striking red, round fruits at the bottom of several wayside trees. He told me he wanted to step on one, squash it and see how it's like inside, and he's wondering whether it's edible, poisonous or whether the birds eat it (I told him that if birds eat the fruits, most likely humans can too). Then the children went up and all the girls took shower together. My girl squealed with delight at showering (and playing water) with the other girls. He stood at a corner, refused to take off his clothes, insisted to shower alone. Later, I asked Caitlin if it was fun and Kieran commented on the silliness of it all.

One problem I find myself having is I love my children so much that I tend to tell others we met about them without realising it. Today, I rambled on about Kieran to a friend and he was sitting beside me. I stopped myself in time and then I looked at Kieran, wondering if he's upset. It seemed like he's ok but I don't think I should do that at all. Somethings are meant to be between the child and mother and as parents, we do need to respect their privacy and share with others only what they agree should be shared. I shall be more mindful of that in future.

The first week of school has ended. Let's look forward to the second week, where formal lesson begins. Oh gosh... Where is that timetable? We need to start packing the bag according to timetable now...

Happy Birthday Caitlin and Kieran

This year's birthday celebration for both children are again simple yet warm affairs. We ordered their fav ice cream cake with their fav cartoon characters and we invited the grandparents as guests.

Caitlin is FOUR!

Kieran is SIX!

Our happy family, Kieran's Starwars ice cream cake and Lego Starwars fighter and mini figurines (which actually belongs to papa).

At around his birthday, he also graduated from the Yamaha Junior Music Course. We are not continuing him for the JXC course when the children will start to learn their lessons unaccompanied by their parents. However, we will continue to let him learn music and we are planning to buy a piano. This course has given him a great start in music education. When I flipped through the Primary One Music book, I can't help but feel how easy it is compared to the rigorous music training in Yamaha. 

Little Ballerina Caitlin

Nothing is as precious as creating memories with our loved ones.

I attended Caitlin's ballet Open House at Crestar School of Dance. Remember I signed her up for ballet about one plus year back? She was still such a tiny little girl in the bebe ballet class. She has progressed so much and is now doing actual ballet moves! She's following instructions and dancing quite well too! My heart swelled with pride when I see my little pink ballerina dancing happily with her teacher and friends. Recently, she kept saying that she don't want to go ballet but I saw that she actually enjoys it once she's in the class and she would do her ballet steps to show us at home. I would like her to continue enjoying dancing and music.

My pretty girl

Cheeky Princess 

Caitlin the ballerina

Doing a pretty curtsey

One can see from the pictures how adorable the little girls are! No wonder parents are signing up their daughters for ballet! For them to look cute in the outfit! Haha. I do realise that her leg muscles are stronger than her gor gor's. I think ballet does help improve her physique and poise.

Primary school placement confirmed

Kieran has gotten a place at the Primary school opposite our flat. Confirm plus chop.

I went to the school website and read that the children are learning so many things, and I bought some Primary One assessment books from the bookstore to see what a child is now required to know at Primary One. Gosh… the syllabus are so hard.

I’m really glad we sent Kieran for reading classes so that he can at least read independently before he starts formal school. We have not started anything much for Math and Chinese. We have very limited time since both hubby and I are working full time. I wish so much to have more time to spend with my children. Kieran now has weekly reading and spelling test and he has a music exam coming up in September. The music lesson is getting more demanding of our attention and time. We are going to stop his music lesson for a while and switch him to a private tutor to learn at his own pace later on. I now know why we should cut down on children’s tuition and academic enrichment lessons – they are more stressful for us, parents than they are for them.

Just a thought when I was chatting about handling children’s stress with my fellow mummy friends - We always tell ourselves or our children to "achieve the best result", but I think we should "achieve the optimal result". “Best” is comparative; you are comparing your achievement with someone else’s or with your past accomplishments. However, “optimal” means at this point, given the specific conditions and limitations, you are performing to the best of your ability. That, in itself, is enough, regardless of the outcome. What a comforting thought... but of course arguably, this kind of mindset wouldn’t do for a sportsperson or a performing artist. It does for me though… which explains why I always navigate away from life’s toughest challenges. Sigh. I can never successfully achieve the kiasu parent status. Well, let's chill and have a cuppa tea. :)

Parenting HSC and reflections

Parenting, with Kieran, is a soul-searching journey. Parenting my children is a great journey but parenting highly sensitive children is almost life-changing... if we acknowledge, appreciate and love them who who they are.

A few days ago, I wanted to teach Kieran something, and I told him to sit at his study desk. Caitlin was drawing at the desk, beside him and he wanted to draw something too, but I wanted to teach him number bonds. So I took out a book and pen and proceeded to teach. He made a frustrated sound and said he wanted to draw. So I looked frustrated as well and said, "Ok." while I walk away. He got afraid suddenly. He ran up to me and said, "I'll do number bonds! I'll do number bonds!" I told him, still sounding frustrated, that he should just go and do what he like. He said, "I like to do number bonds. Please, don't have a sad day!" 

That surprised me. In the past, I knew he was willing to do something he did not want to do to make me happy. But now, he is willing to like something he did not like to do to make me happy. It was good that he care so much for me but I thought nobody in this world should force themselves to do, and worse like something they did not like to do to please other people. That's not right. That's not a right character to cultivate. I asked him, "Why did you say you like to do number bonds?" He said yes, he really like to do them. I asked him, "Is it really true you like to do them?" He said he wanted me to have "happy day". He said he will have a sad day if I have sad day too. It is true. He looks extremely distressed whenever I look sad. So we got into a negotiation. He said he wanted to do number bonds to make me happy. I said I wanted him to do drawing and colouring to make him happy. He said it is important that I am happy because if I am not happy he is not happy. I told him it is important that he is happy because if he is not happy I am not happy too. So we compromised. I told him that I would really love it if he drew me a lovely picture for me to paste on my office cubicle wall. We could learn number bonds after he drew me that picture. He happily set out to draw a picture. He put lots of effort into it. There's a cute story to every component he drew. I was digging for dinosaur bones in the picture. There was a purple house with a red roof, that looked a little slanted to the left. Papa was hiding behind a tree, playing hide and seek with him and his sister. Caitlin was small and holding his hand. He was standing beside me. It was all lovely. It was more precious than the rarest jewel on Earth.

I have never met anyone with a heart as kind as Kieran. Sometimes I wonder where he's from before he came into our arms as our lovely baby. Was he an angel? Was he someone even better than an angel? He seldom have a temper although when he is distressed by scenes of violence and blood on the TV, or by threats of violent discipline from adults who sometimes talk without using their brains (which includes me, unfortunately), he will get into a huge tantrum. It is not his fault. He has a very kind and generous heart and he is frightened. I've always thought that our world needs people like Kieran. He seldom thinks of himself first. He is always thinking of others. I am not afraid that he might stand on the losing end of deals. He is a smart person. He makes choices. He chooses me. When he is older, his understanding of the world will be re-calibrated. I am now that most important person to him. I protect him, love him, take care of him, I am his source of food, clothes, warmth and shelter, and also his source of joy, anger and sadness. But as he gain independence from me, this important role will shift from me to himself. He will learn that the respect, the awe and the reliance he had for me, will be shifted to himself. In other words, how I treat him now, will become how he treat himself in the future. How I talk to him now, will become his inner voice in the future. It is important I play this role well now, so that I set a positive note for him for the rest of his life.

This applies for all children, but for Kieran, because of his high sensitivity, we have to be even more careful. He is sharper especially on the emotional and the subconscious aspect.

Caitlin, on the other hand, is a person who knows what she wants. She goes for what she wants and she does not give in. Because, why should she? Kieran gets frustrated with her monopolising ways sometimes. He will come to me and complain that she grabs the toy and does not share. He is very willing to share, as long as they each get equal chances to play. With explanations and coaxing, she will still find it hard to let go of her new desire for a short while to share with others. It is not her fault because after all, she's only three years old. I find that at times, I have to help him snatch the toy over for fair play. I do not want them to think that the person who has a more passive disposition will always have to give in and the person who has a more aggressive disposition will always have the larger share. Kieran complained to me that my mom, who cares for them in the day while I work, made him keep the toys although it was his sister who tumbled them all over the floor, just because he is older and more willing to do the task than Caitlin, who is really stubborn. You can ask her to do something a hundred times and threaten her with all sorts of terrible punishment, but if she made up her mind not to do it, she won't, period. She'll scream at you and cry her lungs out rather than be forced to do something against her will.

Both of them have wonderful characters. Caitlin's character set her on the right foot for a world as callous as ours. She is tiny and fearful of many things. She would snuggle up to me if she needs protection and love and she'll jump and hide behind me if she's afraid. But I'm sure when she faces tough times in the future, she has that thing in her which will help her ride through it smoothly. It's like if a huge wave crashes in, she'll be the one emerging from the top and ride on the waves, looking all cool and steady like its really nothing. She's not like me at all, and I'm so glad she isn't. She could do so much more and in much better ways with the strength and willpower that she possesses. She's a mighty girl, at such a young age. Kieran is more like me. We are kind, we are gentle, we are afraid of and despises violence, and we sometimes do not feel like we belong in this world. 

I am in my mid thirties. It is hard to live life on my own terms at this age, when we, my husband and I, are responsible for so many things. We pay for the house, the car, the daily groceries, our parents' allowances, our children's needs, small luxuries in life like a family trip to the Zoo or a new rice cooker, and medical and insurance fees. I now find the ordinary everyday life is in itself, a gift. I used to believe we should all have dreams and ambitions and bucket lists. I did not have them anymore. It was a pleasant feeling to let go of them. I don't need these now because every breathe that I take is a gift. Every moment is a gift. I am not entitled to this life, to everything that I have now, my family, my husband, my lovely children, my parents, my home, my car, my job, my friends... and so on... I know of people who died young, who discovered they have a tumour and then, the next thing they know, they are planning for their surgeries, or worse, their palliative care, wills and funerals. I asked myself what if it was me? Why couldn't it be me? What if I step out and I was killed by a freak accident, even before I could say goodbye to everyone I love? So I told myself, that it won't matter, if I treasure each day, if I treat every moment as a gift, if in every moment of my heart, I am grateful and at peace.

Somewhere in another part of this world, another person, like me, who have family, children, parents and friends are suffering from war, famine and corruption. Their choices are much more limited and their lives are tougher and in much more danger. "What makes me privileged?" I sometimes ask myself. I can complain as much as I want, but not more than that person suffering in that part of the world.

Exciting field trip for Kieran

Today, Kieran's kindergarten arranged for the K2 children to go for an excursion to Little India. A few days prior to this, Kieran was very excited and told me that his teacher gave him some questions to ask the shopkeeper at the shops in Little India and there is going to be some activity. He asked me repeatedly when I said I'm going to the school to sign the consent form, whether I'll choose "yes" or "no". He's very concerned because he really wanted to go!

This morning, I gave him his breakfast, a cupcake to eat while he walked to school. He asked whether he can eat that after the trip because he was afraid that he might be late if he spent time eating breakfast. I assured him that we won't be late. He wore his water bottle strap, his small bag and Ninja turtle cap and looked very ready for the trip. When I said goodbye to him, he was smiling and he bounced happily up the stairs to his classroom.

When I walked away from the school and headed to work, I felt a sense of pride in my heart. Kieran has grown up. He was excited about a school trip, away from home and family, and together with his teacher and friends. He had not been so excited before. During the previous school excursions, he seemed to be more worried and anxious than excited.

I called home at 12.30pm today and Kieran told me very proudly and happily that he had a secret to tell me. His secret was that he finally was brave enough to use the school toilet. Last night, he told me he was concerned that he might pee in his pants during the trip because he's so excited. Today he made a wise choice to go to the toilet before he got on the bus! He told me he drank a packet of strawberry milk too. He had not wanted to touch school food before that. Recently, he has accepted some school provided snacks like butter sugar buns and cereal.

In the past, he refused to use school toilet and refused to eat school food... I could not put a foot down on why too. I guessed some children have their own weird habits and beliefs and my boy, being a HSC, may require longer time than usual to warm up to some activities.